Monday Funny: Lost Cat. It's a Design Thing..

If you need a smile on this Monday morning, you've come to the right place. This was an email forward I received that had me in tears. If you have ever had the pleasure of working with a creative-type, may I suggest peeing before you read this to avoid an accident.

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...

 
From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.15am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi 
I  opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got  out and has been missing since then so I was  wondering if you are not to busy you could make  a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will  photocopy it and put it around my suburb this  afternoon.



This is the only  photo of her I have she answers to the name  Missy and is black and white and about 8 months  old. missing on Harper street and my phone  number.
Thanks  Shan.

  ____________________________________________________

  From:David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.26am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re:  Poster

  Dear  Shannon,
That  is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down  when I read your email and not half way up a  ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am  surprised you managed to attend work at all what  with thinking about Missy out there cold,  frightened and alone... possibly lying on the  side of the road, her back legs squashed by a  vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are  you?" 
Although I have two clients  expecting completed work this afternoon, I will,  of course, drop everything and do whatever it  takes to facilitate the speedy return of  Missy. 
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  9.37am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re:  Poster

yeah  ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am  really worried about mine. I have to leave at   1pm today. 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.17am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon, 
I  never said I don't like cats. Once, having been  invited to a party, I went clothes shopping  beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star  boots. They were two sizes too small but I  wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear  them without socks and cut my toenails very  short. As the party was only a few blocks from  my place, I decided to walk. After the first  block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving  at the party, I stumbled into a guy named  Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his  white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched  me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat  down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The  surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven  to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and  strike his forehead onto the corner of a  speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In  its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving  Steven with a foul stain down the back of his  beige cargo pants. I liked that  cat. 
Attached  poster as requested. 
Regards,  David. 



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.24am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking  for at all. it looks like a movie and how come  the photo of Missy is so  small? 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.28am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon, 
It's  a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative  space. 
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.33am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it  properly please? I am extremely emotional over  this and was up all night in tears. you seem to  think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger  please and fix the text and do it in colour  please. Thanks. 
____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.46am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Poster

Dear Shannon, 
Having  worked with designers for a few years now, I  would have assumed you understood, despite our  vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome  constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs  and tell you how to send text messages, log onto  Facebook and look out of the window. I am  willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no  doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy  attempting to make her way home across busy  intersections or being trapped in a drain as it  slowly fills with water. I spent three days down  a well once but that was just for  fun. 
I  have amended and attached the poster as per your  instructions.
Regards,  David.



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  10.59am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Poster

This is worse than the other  one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo  of Missy and delete the stupid text that says  missing missy off it? I just want it to say  Lost. 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.14am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Poster



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.21am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the  poster or not? I just want a photo and the word  lost and the telephone number and when and where  she was lost and her name. Not like a movie  poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early  today. If it was your cat I would help you.  Thanks. 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.32am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear  Shannon, 
I  don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a  friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it  off at my apartment and explained the concept of  kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed  cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.  If I wanted to feed something and clean feces,  I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after  her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to  collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home  and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed  to put enough stamps on the package and he had  to collect it from the post office and pay  eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that  sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I  have attached the amended version of your poster  as per your detailed  instructions. 
Regards,  David. 



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.47am
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats  not my cat. where did you get that picture from?  That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my  cat. 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010  11.58am
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I  know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite  possibly met any one of several violent ends, it  is possible you might get a better cat out of  this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen  your orange cat but I did find a black and white  one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you  want it?" you can politely decline and save  yourself a costly veterinarian  bill. 
I  knew someone who had a basset hound that had its  hind legs removed after an accident and it had  to walk around with one of those little buggies  with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have  asked for all its legs to be removed and  replaced with wheels and had a remote control  installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for  rides and enter it in races. If I did the same  with a horse I could drive it to work. I would  call it Steven.
Regards,  David. 
 
____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.07pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Awww

Please just use the photo I gave  you. 

____________________________________________________

From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.22pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww

 ____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.34pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I  dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put  that there for? Apart from that it is perfect  can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks  Shan. 

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.42pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Awww



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.51pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Awww

Can you just please take the  reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in  ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies  of it.

____________________________________________________

  From: David  Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   12.56pm
To: Shannon  Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Awww



____________________________________________________

  From: Shannon  Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010   1.03pm
To: David  Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to  do.

Sephora: Wow Me. Please. I beg you.

I feel like over the past few weeks I've expired. I was feeling good, feeling like I looked decent, then something went seriously wrong. It was like I had an expiration date; I woke up one morning 10 lbs heavier, 10x wrinklier and with 10 inch roots. I've been going back and taking stock on what was different and wanting to blame something other than my newly renewed love for all things bacon, but instead decided that I just needed new face make-up. Any excuse for a trip to Sephora.

I love Sephora. For awhile I tossed around the idea of a "SephoraWhora" blog dedicated to all things make-up and products, but nixed the idea for fear that the only thing I would have left to talk about on this blog would be my kids. In my head, Sephora is this wonderful garden of eden, where one can always have full lips, rosy cheeks and perfect skin. And they also have a pretty amazing return policy.

Unbeknownst to me and my overflowing make-up drawer until recently, you can return that lipstick that you bought that you wore twice before realizing it make you look like more like a $2 hooker than a Victoria Secret model. Which was great because I had purchased a rather pricey foundation just a few weeks ago. After seeing a few pictures which made me look like I had my own personal oil spill spreading across my forehead, I realized this particular product just wasn't the one for me. At the counter, the sales person happily exchanged it for me and pointed me in the direction of someone who could help me chose one with a little bit more of the matte finish I needed.

But could they really help me?

Recently I've come to the realization that Sephora isn't doing enough to train their sales consultants properly. They have this wonderful magical store filled with color, sparkles and the hope of ageless, timeless beauty. And they have me, 30-something-year-old mom trying to stop their child from drawing on the walls with lipstick samples, the glimmer in my eye of lost youth and the desperate NEED to try and feel cool and hip. One would think they'd look at me and see a walking commission check. That the ability to up-sell me rests completely in the uttering of phrases such as "hottest at the moment" or "can't keep this in stock."

This particular salesperson showed me the matte finish make-up I was inquiring about, tested the color on my cheek and was about to just send me on my way when I posed the question: "What's the hottest thing I need to have right now?" To which, I get in response a look look of confusion as the sales clerk desperately looked around the store while asking "Well, what do you need?"

NEED?! I don't NEED anything from this place! Sephora is about want and possibility. NEED is the Target cosmetics section for plastic hair bands and eye make-up remover. When I walk into a store and I ask them to tell me what to buy that will trick me into thinking that I look 10 years younger, they should sit me down, hand me a mimosa and put on a freaking Broadway-esque performance of products.

Had this situation only happened once, I would blame on the sales person having an off-day. But this happens almost every time, in any store I go to. Which is why tomorrow I have to go back and again return the foundation that this time ended up being about two-shades too light for my skin tone. 

Sigh. 

10 Years

August 5, 2000

While one of my goals of my year long obsessive wedding planning was to have a fete that would never look dated, the one thing that I didn't count on was the massive advancement in photography technology.

I was thinking about this as I was scanning some of my pictures in to be able to post them.

I remember when we were looking at photographers... there were 2 that we talked to that were doing this new fangled "photojournalist" style. They cost 3x as much as the "traditional" photographer.

Our photographer actually had 2 cameras - one with color film and one with a few rolls of B&W. And we had to pay extra for the B&W pictures.

There were very few touch-ups. The pics were what they were. 

Guess it's a good thing that we were still young and cute.

We even debated getting disposable cameras to put on the tables so other people could take pictures. But we didn't because we were worried what exactly our friends would be taking pictures of.

10 Years. It goes by in the blink of an eye. Careers, kids, birthdays, holidays... You stop and turn around and an entire decade has gone by. 

Song of the Open Road
by Walt Whitman

Listen, I will be honest with you
I do not offer the old smooth prizes
But offer rough new prizes
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is called riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve.
However sweet the laid up stores,
However convenient the dwelling, you shall not remain there.
However sheltered the port, however calm the waters, you shall not anchor there.
However welcome the hospitality that welcomes you,
You are permitted to receive it but a little while Afoot and lighthearted, take to the open road
Healthy, free, the world before you the long brown path before you, leading wherever you choose.
Say only to one another:
Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money; I give you myself before preaching and law:
Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live? 

Jason, Thank you for walking the road with me... here's to the next decade!