The other night we went to see Zero Dark Thirty and I ate way too much yummy buttery popcorn. I also had a bit of a headache, but thought it was because my top-knot bun was a little too tight… After staying up until almost 1 AM watching the Season 3 Premier of Downton Abbey (BTW: I say that's THE wedding dress of 2013…) I headed to bed where I continued lay there for god knows how long.
I my stomach hurt. I couldn't sleep. I was hot. I was cold. Then a certain 5-YO shows up and huddles into bed between Jason and I. I lay there just feeling horrible as I dozed in and out of a light, obnoxious sleep.
I jerked awake at around 3 AM with a shooting pain in my abdomen. Tripping over the dog as I stumble in the darkness towards the "water closet," I noticed that my flannel PJ bottoms felt almost damp. I don't bother to turn on the lights as I sit there, doubled over in pain. Then it hits me.
OH MY GOD AM I GOING TO HAVE A BABY IN THE TOILET?
I've never watched the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" before, but I've seen the clips of the staged re-enactments on The Soup. It's always the same thing; The woman sitting on the toilet, thinking she just had a stomach ache and BAM! She craps a baby into the toilet.
Those of us who have actually HAD babies recoil in shock. I knew I was pregnant both times before even getting a positive pregnancy test! How does one not KNOW?!
But in the dark, alone at 3 am your mind does crazy things…
Beth: "There is no way you are pregnant. You just had your period."
Beth: "That doesn't mean anything! All those other woman still got their periods! And your's was EARLY last month!"
Beth: "But Jason's been fixed…"
Beth: "That's NOT 100%!"
Beth: "I have been complaining about my bloated stomach for a few months.."
Beth: "SEE?! OH MY GOD, AM I HAVING A BABY IN THE TOILET?!"
Beth: "Oh how embarrassing would this be? I don't want to be THAT GIRL."
Beth: "I can't have another baby… I don't have anything for it.."
Beth: "You are not having a baby…"
Beth: "I never went into labor before.. I don't know! My pants were damp.. did my water break?! What the hell??"
This went on for about 10 minutes. I went on to chastise myself for drinking wine and taking prescription medications. I thought of what my Facebook status would entail to tell the world that I unexpectedly had a baby. I even relieved myself of the guilt I had been harboring due to the Christmas Cookie binge I was on in December.
Fried and now anxiety ridden, I got back into bed and finally fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up the next morning I was happy to find myself in bed with just a low-grade fever and not an unplanned infant.