August 5th…

I haven't shared much at all about my divorce. Those who know me in real life know more details, but for many reasons, I really have tried to keep it off the internet. I don't want things said in anger or emotional turmoil to end up haunting me for years to come. And while I'm a very public person, I do have parts that I chose to keep personal. That all being said, today, I'm choosing to write. 

Today, August 5th, would have been Jason and I's 13th wedding anniversary. 

In years past, I would have changed my Facebook profile picture to a wedding picture depicting us all young, shiny and in love. I would have written something about love and partnership and the adoration of marriage. And I can honestly say that it was always truthful and from the heart. 

Today, I stare at the date and try to evaluate my feelings. I prepared for this particular anniversary by finally removing all the wedding pictures from the walls and wrapping up my dried white rose bouquet that has been on display for almost 13 years. Of course, I cried; A chapter of my life is closing. When I think about the past 13 years I can't help but just be amazed by how much has happened, how much I have grown and changed. I think about the 25 year old bride I was, and the 38 year old woman, and mother, that I've become. And even with how things have turned out, I don't regret having married Jason 13 years ago. 

When you ask divorced couples if they had any doubts before walking down the aisle, many will say they did. Many will tell you that they felt they had to go on with the wedding at that point, even though they didn't want to. Maybe it's because I'm the eternal optimist, but that was not the case with me. And while where we stand today may not be where I imagined we would end up when we spoke our vows on that warm August day in 2000, I know that I was meant to have this experience. I was meant to have my kids. I was meant to learn about myself and grow into this particular woman.

I was meant to spend 15+ years with Jason. 

People keep asking me if I'm okay, and honestly, I am. I may not be "skipping through the flower fields happy" at my marriage ending, but I am in a good place. I've learned a lot about myself (too much?) and I know that no matter how hard the logistics are, how challenging the change is, I know this is what is best for me, my kids, and even Jason. It may not be traditional fairy tale ending, but in truth, "they lived happily ever after" is more realistic for us today than it was last year at this time. And that is ok to admit. 

So tonight, August 5th 2013, I'm going to pop a bottle of champagne to celebrate the past and toast to the future. 

My future.