The other thing I got goin' on over there?

Yes, I was a bit absent from this URL in December. Yes, its my month of hate... but the real reason I didn't do much over here, was because I was busy birthing Baby #3. Before you squeal CONGRATS and ask to send pink or blue knitted blankets, Baby Three is a new blog... The San Diego MOMfia. 

While it's not all me, Theresa (@rockonmommies) and I co-founded (co-birthed?) the site in effort to bind the fabulous group of bloggers we are lucky enough to call friends here in San Diego. Mary (@MamaMaryShow) had this fabulous idea for all to sing a song to Tiffany & Co. - she wrote it and her hubbie edited and produced it. Tiffany gave us a beautiful ornament to gift to one lucky reader and an idea formed... "What if we can get a few giveaways to launch the site?" This idea quickly turned into 15 days of giveaways and a whole lotta' work. 

But SO. Totally. Worth. It. 

So, occasionally, in-lieu of time and creativity, I may point you over there ----> www.sdMOMfia.com. 

Like right now! To read all about the product that saved my lips!

Enjoy!

Freedom, Air Bags and a little look at relationships

A few weeks ago a few of us mamas found ourselves out at a high-end Rancho Santa Fe restaurant/lounge for a glass of wine after a dinner party. Sitting off to the side of the room, talking amongst ourselves we ended up being approached by an older man (late 50’s?) who wasn’t so much looking for love as he was looking for therapy. Inebriated and hoping that flashing his AMEX black card would impress us enough to agree with him, he started telling us the story of the demise of his marriage. While at first it seemed he and his wife fell into the trap of drifting apart while in the final stages of raising three children, two glasses of wine later we came to the conclusion that his “one meaningless discretion” was really more like years of multiple discretions – oh, and apparently his wife didn’t appreciate all his hard work over the years.

While still working on impressing us, he brought over this old man (79?) and introduced him as the man who invented airbags.  Yes, the safety feature that is standard in all cars since 1980 something. WAY more fascinating than a middle age cheater on the verge of a meltdown in the middle of Mille Fleurs, Woody went on to tell us about his 50 or so patents, and that while 40 years later airbags in his own car saved his life in a head-on collision, it wasn’t even the most profitable of his inventions. This man invented something that later SAVED his life. How meta is that? And what does that say about one’s own personal destiny? It’s almost too mind- scrambling to think about. Like time travel. Or math.

A few weeks before that evening I started reading the Jonathan Franzen book Freedom. When I first put the book on my bedside table, Jason raised his eyebrow and commented about the book being “pretty highbrow “ for me. This immediately made me fear the book. Coupled with comments from people about how they couldn’t put the book down, and how it was one of the best books of the year, I was discouraged by my initial reactions to the book. Hard to get into…emotionally heavy…depressing…it took me about 2 months to get through it.  If you haven’t read it – the book is all about the relationships we have as humans, how our lives turn out, disappointments, and the misunderstandings that we all encounter along the way.

Laying in bed last night around 11:30, trying to sleep, I kept thinking about the characters of the book and how not being honest with each other and assuming they knew what the other was really thinking impacted the outcome of their lives. Then I think back to Jeeter McCheater and the lies that he told his wife over the years, and the emotions that she must have felt but never talked to him about, and I wonder how things may have changed for them if at one point either of them was just honest. And I thought about Woody, who one day had an idea that has since saved millions of lives, including his own. And I thought of my kids, asleep in other rooms, and how am I going to help them to be the best that they can be, love them, encourage them and challenge them without screwing them up somehow?

And I thought about what "Freedom" meant to me…and then I lay awake in a semi-panic attack for 45 minutes. 

What? You thought I was going to have a life-changing revelation ending? If anything, it’s don’t read this book while trying to go to sleep – oh, and buy a car with airbags.

I kinda hate December

I'm going to be honest here. As much as I decorate, bake, take pictures and smile, I kinda hate the month of December. I try so hard to like it. I do the cards, the tree and crafts for my kids because for them it should be magical. For me, it's not. 

There are many annoyances that go into my dislike of the holidays, but there is one main reason...the first Christmas we had as a family with kids, the year that should have been this month of happiness as we introduce our first child to this time that Hallmark tells us should be all about love and magic, we spent worrying that our baby was going to die. 

December 2, 2004 Lucas started showing the first signs of Kawasaki Disease...by December 5, 2004 he was admitted into Rady's Children's Hospital. December 6th I held my precious 9 month old as they sedated him to do an EKG on his heart and felt the life slip out of him as he was put into a deep sleep - one that he would wake up from 2 hours too early, screaming and thrashing, and inconsolable. We kept telling ourselves we were lucky...there was no lasting heart damage, they caught it in time, he was treated and he was going to be okay. But we spent that whole month, one that should have been filled with parties and joy, in and out of multiple doctor's offices, wondering if our baby was going to live.

The week before Christmas I lost it in a doctor's appointment. My OB and Pediatrician were in the same office, so they pulled me out of the room and talked to me and diagnosed me with Post Partum Depression. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I didn't do cards and by the 20th of that month I hadn't even bought a present. While some may have looked at that month and focused on the positive, that my child was healthy and was going to be okay, I focused on how the first Christmas with my first child was ruined... and that was something I could never get back. 

Flash forward 3 years to December 2007. Zoe, born November 1 weighing 4 lbs 15.5 oz at 38 weeks, was barely 4 weeks old. She wasn't gaining weight. She was nursing every 2 hours for 45 minutes at a time. I couldn't put her down for more than 10 minutes. She was so little...and I wasn't sleeping, my c/s incision was infected, I wasn't working and since I'm self employed, there was no disability. We were budgeted to the penny and something happens with Jason's car that rendered it useless for 2 weeks and cost us almost $1000. Once again, mid-December, my OB diagnosed me with my old friend PPD. In addition to losing Lucas' first Christmas, I then, also lost Zoe's.

I make the effort, I do the things that I know I need to do, but for the time being, the spirit and magic of the season is lost to me. I try to build happy memories to replace the sad ones by going overboard with things like handmade decorations and gingerbread houses, but then I just get stressed out and anal retentive about everything BEING PERFECT. People kinda make fun of me for almost always sending the first, or one of the first, cards they get in the mail. But the real reason is because if I don't get them out before December 1, I know they just wouldn't get done. 

I've come to a place where I expect to hate this month. This year, December has brought death into the lives of people I love and drama where none needed to be. We are only 8 days in, and this month has already exhausted me. But I'm still giving it the old college try. I have a wonderful husband that puts up with my December Blahs. I am a founding partner in what is turning out to be a very successful website launch. I have clients that I'm happy and excited to be working with. And I have some amazing friends. Old friends and new friends; people that touch my soul in different ways.

And most importantly, I have this:

2 Happy, Healthy, Silly Kids