Today, my little peanut princess is one month old. It's that strange juxtaposition of "one month already?" and "I can't even remember life without her." This month has been a blur of feedings and diaper changes and trips to the pediatrician, but Zoë is doing fabulously. I laugh, and do others, when I say that she is now almost 6 lbs. Which, while shows fabulous growth for her, is hilarious that she is still a good 2 lbs less than what most babies are when they are born.
I will admit that the clothes issue is becoming a bit frustrating. Since June I’ve been fantasizing about all the adorable pink clothes I would dress her up in. I have adorable little dresses, tights, sweaters and matching hats just sitting there.. waiting.. waiting for a baby that is big enough to fit into the 0-3 months size. And don’t get me going on SHOPPING. Well, lets just say that we saved a lot of money this month because she still swims in even the Target brand Circo “newborn” size. I will say though, Zoë looks quite nice in bright pinks and even nice lavenders, while the gender generic yellows and greens really aren’t her thing..
This month, we’ve also gotten to see more and more pieces of Zoë’s personality. She likes to be held and cuddled. She can’t stand being put down if she is awake and much prefers sleeping cuddled close to Mama than in her princess perfect bassinette. Even though it’s only about a foot away from me, it’s apparently a foot too far away. She’s also fiery, which “they” say the little ones always are. When she’s hungry, and I’ve gone a moment longer than she would prefer, she tilts her head back and lets out this high-pitched wail that I translate to meaning “Bitch, where is that BOOB?!” She won’t really take a pacifier (blessing or curse?), even though I think that she would love it if she gave it a chance. I keep trying desperately to get her to use it (hey, my nips need a break every once in awhile), sometimes she will suck on it for a few minutes, while other times she will gag and look at me like “what are you doing to me woman?!” The only other time she really belts it out is, unfortunately, while I’m trying to play dress up with her. This pretty much consists of our twice a week game of “what fits Zoë now?” She’s not all that into playing with me though..she’s apparently not found of laying there naked. Good thing though, one that I hope stays with her through her college “ramen” days and doesn’t tempt her into anything unsavory. Because, like Chris Rock says, when you have a girl, your main parenting goal is to “keep her off the pole.”
This stage, the stage before they start smiling and exhibiting any real emotion, is a bit difficult. I pour love and affection into her hour after hour, day after day, and I’m mostly met with this look of concern. She always looks so worried, and while I know she just doesn’t have the ability to make any other expression, in my sleep deprived state it makes me a bit sad that she always has this look about her like she’s afraid we are going to leave her or drop her on her head. Which I’m pleased to report, we have yet to do. And Lucas makes sure of that. While he has never once asked to send her back, he does ask if we are leaving or taking her every time we leave the house, but it’s more because he wants to make sure she’s included in our lives rather than he doesn’t want her to come along. Lucas just loves her, and just wants to help and give hugs and kisses. Jason and I were very concerned about Lucas’ transition into big brotherhood, but honestly, he adapted quicker and easier than we did! While it’s a very natural progression to add a child into our lives, it has been an interesting month. With number 2 you don’t get a “maternity leave”. You don’t have a grace period where it’s okay to stay in your PJs all day, laying on the couch sobbing over “The Baby Story” and holding your baby. You have the baby and BAM, you are right back into real life. Now, if we don’t leave the house all day, Lucas is jumping off the walls and by the time Jason comes home from work the house is a mess, every dish is dirty, every toy on the floor and I’m ready for a bottle of Chardonnay. But the good news is that Zoë successfully took a bottle the other night, and for the first time in a month, I left the house by myself and wandered around Target for an hour or so.
Next Tuesday I’m going out to dinner with the ladies that I have been consulting with this year. When I accepted the invite, I said that I may have Zoë with me.. but now that she took the bottle, and I’m beginning to store up some milk in the freezer, I could leave her for the evening. The thing is, I’m not sure that I really want to.. It’s one thing to run to Target for diapers, it’s another to revert back to something I would do, without a second thought, before she was here.
It’s interesting having a baby girl also. My mom and I are very close and have a good relationship, and she always has said that she hoped one day I would have a girl.. to be able to have a person to have the type of relationship that we have. And while my mom and I argue about the typical mom/daughter things, I talked to her more than I talk to anyone else (besides Jason, of course), and know that she really is my best friend. The other day as I was feeding her, I looked down at Zoë and wondered, did I give birth to my future best friend?
Zoë has been a magical person since the day she was conceived. We found out I was pregnant with her almost one year to the date that my Grandma, Alyce, died. She was due in November, the month of my Grandma’s birthday. And my Grandma’s dying words to my cousin were “When I get to heaven, I’m sending you and Beth baby girls..” Zoë Alyce was born on November 1st – day of the dead – a day that we celebrate the lives of those who have passed… and Zoë, a greek name meaning “life”. At certain times, I also think she looks like my Grandma.. her chin, her little lips… Also there is the fact that my Grandma loved little things and Zoë certainly qualifies in that category. At least this month.