Muscle Memory

It's funny how your subconscious knows things that maybe you haven't quite remembered outwardly.  That feeling of something not being right, but not being able to put your finger on *just what it is*. Just like how your muscles remember how to do things when they are trained how to do them.

I've been in a bit of a funk all week. All week, I kept thinking about how much I used to love December and now, for some reason, my anxiety creeps in and I almost fear December. This week, I've blamed exhaustion, the weather, my oh-so-annoying too fat for my regular clothes/not big enough for maternity clothes stage and the fact that after 4 weeks, I still don't feel anywhere near my normal self. Fears of being diagnosed with postpartum depression have also seeped into my mind.. bringing forth more anxiety and more worry.

Last night we braved the cold (hahaha. Hey, it was in the 50's! That's COLD for us!) and went to our local Holiday parade. We love this parade as it has this total small-town feeling, something that we don't often get nestled in the 6th largest city in the country. I bundled us all up tight and worried about little Zoë catching a chill.  At one point, I looked down at her, snuggled up so tight and sleeping through all the excitement... and I flashed back. Flashed back to 3 years ago, 12/2/2004, at Christmas on the Prado, a large San Diego holiday event at Balboa Park, Jason and I all excited to be celebrating Lucas' first Christmas. We looked down at our precious 9-month old baby, sleeping in his stroller, and we noticed that his lips were bright red. At first we commented on how cute his little red lips were. Then we started to worry that he had gotten too cold, I worried that when he was eating off my plate he ate something that he was having an allergic reaction to.. little did we know... Little did we know that two days later Lucas would be admitted to the hospital to be treated for Kawasaki Disease.

As far as "horrific diseases that your children can get" go, it could have been worse. Then again, it could have been worse if we hadn't taken him to Children's Hospital and just happen to have the assistant of one of the best KD doctors in the country standing there in the ER, called in to check on another child suspected of having KD. But for me, it was as if the bottom was falling out. Our pediatrician mentioned KD when we first brought Lucas in, but at that point she said it was only a 10% chance that is what he had. By the time we made it to Children's Hospital, it was a 30% chance, then as the test started coming back - the percentages got higher and higher. At this point for us, it was worst case scenario. It was this this experience, the "what ifs" of the situation, seeing my baby in a hospital bed and hearing him wailing in pain as they stuck him over and over with needles, that caused me to be diagnosed with postpartum depression 9-months after giving birth. And its those memories, those feelings and those sights and sounds that I fear now will haunt me every December. Even though I know that everything is okay.. sometimes the power of your brain just sucks.





Lucas, 3 years after Kawasaki Disease