I spend a lot of time thinking about my mental state and trying to find the stem, or trigger, of my anxiety. Why do I sometimes just wake up one morning and expect the bottom to fall out right then and there?
Our friend Kurt passed on this article to me earlier this week. He passed it on to Jason and I because the woman who wrote this piece also had a child who had Kawasaki Disease, and since it's such a rare illness, we are often sent news stories where it is mentioned. But this article hit me a little deeper.. it spoke my feelings.
“Other parents worry about the worst,” she told me, “but they don’t really believe it could happen. We know better.”
We know better. That was it, exactly. We parents throw everything between our kids and danger: bike helmets, seat belts, vaccinations, tooth sealants, self-defense classes. We are creating the illusion of safety as much as anything else, weaving a kind of magic circle of protection. Like all illusions, once broken it can never be made whole again.
The doctors passed my feelings on as postpartum depression - I guess a catch all for depression/anxiety within the first year of a child's life (Lucas was only 9 months old when he was diagnosed and treated for KD). But now it makes sense. It makes sense that when Zoe was born so small, my brain IMMEDIATLEY went to the worst place it could - because I've been there before.