Spreading holiday joy to all the good little girls and boys

Aaahh, the joys of Christmas pasts..

But as you can tell by the look on his face, this was from before we could start using Santa to attain good behavior and clean(er) rooms. But I will say that I'm not quite sure how long we will really be able to use Santa for all his goodness.

The week of Thanksgiving we were lucky enough to make two different trips to two different malls (with the infant and the 3.5 year old, yes, I am INSANE). Both times Lucas was lucky enough to pop in to just say "hi" to Santa. But he did have questions.. "Why is Santa here at the this mall and at the Outlet mall?" he asks me. I tell him that Santa is MAGIC! and can be everywhere at the same time. He seems to like the fact that Santa is MAGIC!, and stops with that particular line of questioning.

Which, not to veer too far off topic, but the movie "The Polar Express", good for the little ones because it's all about Santa being real? Bad because it starts the dialogue that there really might not be a Santa? Or whatever because at 3 1/2 all they care about it the cool train and the song where all the kids get hot coco?

So, we've really been pushing the "I'll call Santa!" line. To the point that we pick up the phone and pretend to dial his number and talk to him. Which ,we thought, installed the fear of the no-toys-god into the kid. Then yesterday when I told him not to be sassy and talk back to me, Lucas looked at me and said "That's it! I'm calling Santa!" and using his hand as his phone, he "dialed the number" then put his hand to his ear and said "Hi Santa, this is Lucas. I'M being good but my Mommy is being mean and telling me to listen. Uh-Huh... Uh-Huh.. Ok, bye!" He then "hangs up the phone" and looks at me and exclaims "Santa said NO TOYS for you!"

Muscle Memory

It's funny how your subconscious knows things that maybe you haven't quite remembered outwardly.  That feeling of something not being right, but not being able to put your finger on *just what it is*. Just like how your muscles remember how to do things when they are trained how to do them.

I've been in a bit of a funk all week. All week, I kept thinking about how much I used to love December and now, for some reason, my anxiety creeps in and I almost fear December. This week, I've blamed exhaustion, the weather, my oh-so-annoying too fat for my regular clothes/not big enough for maternity clothes stage and the fact that after 4 weeks, I still don't feel anywhere near my normal self. Fears of being diagnosed with postpartum depression have also seeped into my mind.. bringing forth more anxiety and more worry.

Last night we braved the cold (hahaha. Hey, it was in the 50's! That's COLD for us!) and went to our local Holiday parade. We love this parade as it has this total small-town feeling, something that we don't often get nestled in the 6th largest city in the country. I bundled us all up tight and worried about little Zoë catching a chill.  At one point, I looked down at her, snuggled up so tight and sleeping through all the excitement... and I flashed back. Flashed back to 3 years ago, 12/2/2004, at Christmas on the Prado, a large San Diego holiday event at Balboa Park, Jason and I all excited to be celebrating Lucas' first Christmas. We looked down at our precious 9-month old baby, sleeping in his stroller, and we noticed that his lips were bright red. At first we commented on how cute his little red lips were. Then we started to worry that he had gotten too cold, I worried that when he was eating off my plate he ate something that he was having an allergic reaction to.. little did we know... Little did we know that two days later Lucas would be admitted to the hospital to be treated for Kawasaki Disease.

As far as "horrific diseases that your children can get" go, it could have been worse. Then again, it could have been worse if we hadn't taken him to Children's Hospital and just happen to have the assistant of one of the best KD doctors in the country standing there in the ER, called in to check on another child suspected of having KD. But for me, it was as if the bottom was falling out. Our pediatrician mentioned KD when we first brought Lucas in, but at that point she said it was only a 10% chance that is what he had. By the time we made it to Children's Hospital, it was a 30% chance, then as the test started coming back - the percentages got higher and higher. At this point for us, it was worst case scenario. It was this this experience, the "what ifs" of the situation, seeing my baby in a hospital bed and hearing him wailing in pain as they stuck him over and over with needles, that caused me to be diagnosed with postpartum depression 9-months after giving birth. And its those memories, those feelings and those sights and sounds that I fear now will haunt me every December. Even though I know that everything is okay.. sometimes the power of your brain just sucks.

Lucas, 3 years after Kawasaki Disease

Reality of the situation

I took Zoë to the pediatrician today. The nice nurse asked me how I was doing (wrong question this week) and I said "God, I'm exhausted. I really don't remember being this tired last time around.."

She looks at me and goes "Of course you don't! If you did, no one would ever have more than one kid!"

Duh.

This one's lucky she's so damn cute.