11 years ago today this kid came into the world. 

The thing about your first born is that they are the ones that made you a parent.. they are the ones that you experience all the joys and pains of raising kids at various ages and stages with. The bear the brunt of your mistakes, but also light the path for their siblings. 

Lucas is nothing short of an amazing kid. He has this magnetic personality and insanely sweet smile. He's sensitive and tough.  Hardcore and goofy. All at the same time. He's my little man... and soon, too soon, he will be a big man... 


Birthdays Come and Birthdays Go...

But do we cry? Goodness No! - Pete the Cat

And just like that, I'm another year older. 

This year, April 14th officially put me in my late 30's. The "twilight" of the decade. It marks 20 years since I have graduated high school and 20 years since I was proclaimed by the USA that I was officially, and legally, an adult. 

I'm not really old - but I'm no spring chicken. I've had 38 years to grow and mature, learn and be schooled. Forty and the expectations for how wonderful that decade will be (as all the magazines, and Oprah, proclaim these days) is calling me. "You are fully aware of who you are in your 40s.." they claim. 40 is when you really come into yourself. 

So that means I have two more years to make my bullshit thirties count? 

I remember turning 28 and loving it. Feeling mature, yet young. No kids, married, working - sleeping in on weekends and staying up late. Your late twenties are the great equalizer of life. Even the people who still haven't gotten life together, who still act as if they are in college, are fun to hang out. Some people had it together and were reaping the benefits of having a good income. But it didn't matter because you were young!

But 38 is a different story. I am young compared to some. But also feeling the pull of middle age - gravity, hormone changes, the crap part. No longer can I lay on the beach in reckless abandonmnet. Now I'm there in a big hat with 50+ sunscreen all over my body, yelling at my kids to be careful. My world revolves around this tricky game of balance - kids, work, me, marriage, home - a juggling act that can come crashing down at a moments notice. Am I sad or depressed about it? No. But there is a part of me that longs for the days where I had less to juggle on a daily basis.

Then I look ahead 10 years to 48... I'll have an almost 20 year old and a 16 year old! Where will I be? WHO will I be at that point?

I can't even begin to imagine.